I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE