Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Well, shit
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Nomnomnomnom
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.