If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.