I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Banana is the quietest snack