When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
dude it’s called proctologist
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.