I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
It’s a gift
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.