I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Quadruple digit IQ
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*looks at you in batman voice*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI