[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Möther may I have a snäck
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.