The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
shit, they caught us—run!!!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.