I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
You Might Also Like
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?