dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer