was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ