My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Just me and my debit card against the world
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?