I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house