Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next