Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Livid.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?