I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!