*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You Might Also Like
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Fries, not lies.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.