Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My dad is at it again
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.