SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I want this so bad
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.