me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks