Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
You better watch out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors