I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed