a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
HOW DARE YOU
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: