How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t