I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
You deplete me
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
God, I love Scotland
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.