my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.