NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Lmao
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’