’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You Might Also Like
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?