Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class