saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*