I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
You Might Also Like
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.