Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The government even made aliens boring
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands