Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones