Did my cat write this
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
me adding lol on a serious message
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
gm
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.