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*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some