I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Just grow your own
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.