When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄