I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Best table by far
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)