I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.