Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
You Might Also Like
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Pat is about to own someone
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!