FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
A ghost story
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Can. I. Help. You.