Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Möther may I have a snäck
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats