Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Meanwhile in Portland…
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!