He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.