Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.