If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives