What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Worst Native American name ever.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’