I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert