ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days